A Mother's Musings
by StarLush
Summary: Set present day, Scully still having a hard time coping after giving up William for adoption all those years ago. (Short Story!)


**After laying in bed with my son this morning this story started popping into my head, seeing as it is Mother's Day in US this weekend I wanted to honor Scully as a mommy. It might pull some heart strings but enjoy anyways. Much love to all the mommies out there! (BTW I based William's birthday off of the original air date of "Existence." So May 20 is his birthday in my world!) **

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Scully couldn't will herself out of bed on this particular day, she knew this day was coming for months now and it plagued her. Curled into a little ball, facing the outside of the bed, staring into nothingness, she knew Mulder was not in bed again, he frequently got up earlier than she did, going for a run or some sort of work out. Normally she was right with him; exercise had become a great way for her to take her mind off of everything. But today of all days there was no way she could do it.

Giving into the inevitable, Scully slowly making herself move, she had to get up, the sooner she got up and got the day over and done with the better she would feel. _Why does this day exist for mothers like me? _Mother's day had become hard on Scully year after year, she had tracked William's birthdays; he would be 12 years old in about a week and she wondered if he had any special plans for his adoptive mother. Anything cute to give her from school, or a project him and his adoptive dad had worked on for her. Scully hurt thinking so deeply about these things but she couldn't help it, mother's day and his birthday were so close together she couldn't help but think about these things.

After running for so long from the government and her and Mulder had settled down a little and bought a house, they decided they'd try for another miracle. She knew deep down it probably wasn't going to happen but it was worth a shot, they still had no idea how it happened the first time, but it wasn't hurting anything to try again. No hormones this time, no poking and prodding with needles and no invasive procedures, just old fashioned trying to have a baby. Failure after failure and after approaching her late 40's she knew there was less and less hope of anything. She accepted it, though she hated it.

Legs hanging down over the edge of the bed, Scully peered down at her feet, sighing heavily and making her way towards the closet. She had always kept a keepsake box of certain things she never wanted to forget, a photo of William was one of those items and a lock of his fine baby hair. He was only a baby, 10 months at most, but it was all she had left of him, their little miracle child.

"Hey, mornin' sunshine." Mulder's smile beamed at Scully, trying to make her smile. He knew this day was always hard on her and he tried extremely hard to be there for her. Turning and catching his gaze her eyes filled with tears and they poured uncontrollably down her cheeks. Rushing over to her as he had done so many times in the past he was there for her, comforting her, reassuring her that everything would ultimately be ok.

"He'd be twelve years old…." She choked out in between sobs. It was rare that she let herself get this emotional over her son. It was hard when she gave him up, but harder as the years went on and there was to be no other children. She was slightly comforted with pediatrics at work, grateful she chose that path on the medicinal career. Maybe subconsciously she was meant to be around the children even if not her own.

"Dana…I know you dwell on this year after year, you know I'm here for you." He held her tight in his strong arms, trying to make the pain go away. Trying to be that emotional comfort that she so desperately needed, he shifted in his position and laid her down with him, holding her sobbing form, letting her get it all out.

Scully eventually fell asleep, it was late morning now and she had to be getting hungry. Mulder weaseled his way out of bed, leaving her there peaceful and sleeping. Making his way downstairs he wanted to make her something she would really enjoy and appreciate, she still was a mother technically, he needed to make her feel special, as he did every year for awhile now. Starting coffee for her and pulling out the fresh strawberries preparing to slice and dice, he heard the familiar creaking of the bottom two stairs, looked over and saw her. Her eyes were puffy from all the crying, her hair was pulled back into a messy pony tail and she slumped, utterly exhausted from her crying fit this morning.

"Thank you…" she muttered out of habit, always seeming to apologize for whatever reason.

"You know I'm always here for you." He continued his chopping, "do you want to talk more about it?"

"No…" she shook her head as he brought yogurt and fresh cut strawberries to the table for her to eat followed by a cup of coffee.

"Scully, it really might help; we go through this every year. Why are you so torn this year?"

"I'm 49 years old Mulder, I just know that by now my chances are—"

"You know there are other things we could do Scully, you know—"he was trying to sympathize with her. Make it all ok.

"I know my options Mulder, it's just—I know it sounds selfish but…it's not the same." There was a moment of silence, eating and drinking, "…I just miss him so much. More and more every year…" tears were stinging her eyes again and she was trying to hold them back.

"I know…I go through it as well, though my time spent with him was far less, I still feel the connection. He'll always be with us Scully…" he placed his hand on top of hers and gave it a strong squeeze. Showing strength for her well-being was the best thing he could do for her and he knew it. One of them had to be strong in every moment of weakness, the other had to be there to pick up the slack or they would fall apart. It was something that they strived extremely hard for in their relationship, something that they both had been very good at.

"Do you want to do anything today? Or just make it a lazy Sunday?" he was trying to get her out and about, he figured if he could make it quick and painless and less memories the better.

"I need to call mom, she'll be at church this morning…" Scully still tried to keep in constant contact with her mother but it didn't happen often. "…I was supposed to meet her for service this weekend but I just—"she trailed off.

"Well, Scully, we can just hang out at home," Mulder was trying to sound enthusiastic, "…we can have our own fun…got a whole stack of movies we haven't seen yet." He smiled and she laughed quietly.

"Yeah I suppose…" after deep thought Scully knew that the day was going to be long and tiresome. Thoughts of William would be running through her brain and the best things she could do was to distract herself with mind numbing activities. _Your day is what you make it, Dana. _

Mulder would never think to leave her side, especially in a time of need. Abduction, cancer, though he couldn't help himself being abducted through her pregnancy and Scully would never think to leave his. They were together on this. Trying to lighten the mood having sensed Scully's change Mulder tried being lighthearted on the subject.

"I don't know Scully, I know you miss William an awful lot but 12 years old…puberty is the only thing that comes to mind." He smiled at her and she laughed a whole hearted chuckle for what seemed to be the first time in weeks. "Plus it makes me feel old to think he's 12…"

"Mulder…you always did know how to turn my attitude around…most of the time." Scully smiled at him and rose from her seat, grateful for the man sitting before her. She was loved and would always be loved by this man. Leaning down she placed a deep kiss onto him and returned his strong squeeze on his hand.

"Happy mother's day, Scully…" he whispered into her lips. She paused her kissing and smiled at him, thankful for his generosity…"just know that somewhere out there, there is a perfectly, happy, healthy child that you brought into this world…you'll always be a mother." Kissing him again deeper this time for his love and consideration of her feelings she was complete. The situation wasn't ideal, they weren't married, their son adopted but it didn't change the fact that she will always be his mother.


End file.
